Artist's Masterpiece

I found myself lost in the mystery of a sound once remembered from a long time ago. It penetrated my deepest level of consciousness with it's decibels increasing by the second, yet it brought about a calming presence that I couldn't help but fall into. As the sound continued to grow and penetrate fourth into the depths of my mind I begin to watch an array of colors leap and bound before my face like an artist presented with a fresh canvas. Shades of orange ran together creating the deepest red I had ever seen, the hints of green that surrounded it exploded like a rainforest of growth, and the areas that appeared absent of any color at all would occasionally flash into a violent dance of all shades of purple, white, blue, and yellow. I stood a victim to the pure beauty I was watching unfold directly in front of me. I had never seen anything like it. I was witnessing the artist at work, completely ah stricken. After what seamed like decades of being completely consumed by the sound and unable to pull myself from its grasp, I heard it begin to slowly fade. Until it was no longer a sound at all. I took a step back and examined the landscape the artist had so graciously allowed me to watch him create. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief as the colors continued to dance and grow from the canvas. Truly a masterpiece. Divine creation in the making.

It was then that I came back to my senses and realized I had never truly left reality at all. I stood victim again as I watched the thunderstorm still unfolding off in the distance now…..

 

Peace

 

* written October 20th

Living For The Land

" We are only able to move at the speed and in the direction the land itself allows. One must relate to it with honor and reverence and let the land speak its own heart. Then, out of respect we must choose to submit to its idea of 'real' and still remain ones who love it toward the true, without faltering, regardless of the cost. To not live for the land in this way is to join its aggressors, ravagers, users, and benefactors, and then all hope for its healing would be lost." - by Wm. Paul Young from Cross Roads

 

Peace

 

* written October 18th

Hidden Blessings

If I told you that being a YAGM is smooth sailing and never comes with any challenges not only would I be lying, but i'd be doing you all a major disservice as my audience. One of the challenges that I think has been most prevalent for me is finding the time to feed my introverted side. Though I can be a people person and be rather good at it when it calls for it in social situations, by nature I would consider myself an introvert. The individualistic culture of America plays to this trait in people quite well. It is rather simple for one to remove themselves, find quiet solitude, or whatever else alone time they so desire. The culture in South Africa however does not. Everything here is community based, and I literally mean everything. From the time you wake up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night you can have no worry of being under stimulated with human interaction. My situation is especially active in this department since I'm living with Moruti Mogale (Pastor). Our house is host to continuos in's and out's of congregation members at nearly every point of the day. For this, I am mostly incredibly grateful. It has allowed me to meet a lot of people and learn a lot I wouldn't have otherwise. Sometimes though, it can be a little exhausting.

The other day I was feeling especially tired for no real apparent reason and just kind of felt completely exhausted. There were people running around all over the house and all around outside and it was an extremely busy day even for our house. I found myself starting to get upset about all of the commotion and slightly resentful. I couldn't help but feel like the people around me just couldn't understand that someone might have a need for some peace and quiet every once and awhile and I honestly wished they would just go away. Then the world of self pity I was in the process of creating came crashing down around me. I was sitting on the front porch talking to my dad like we had many times before. Except this time he literally made me feel so incredibly overwhelmed with blessed feelings that I could hardly express myself. He started by telling me that he wished for me to stay with the family permanently for the remainder of my year here. Up unto this point it was never for sure or decided that I would be staying with them for the entire year. As if that wasn't enough, he followed that with informing me that all the work people had been and were doing on the old traditional African style house next to ours was so that I could move in there. He said that he really wanted me to stay with them and if I was going to do that I needed to have my own space.

In one fellow swoop he managed to not only make me feel incredibly blessed, but slightly guilty as well. Apparently people here "understand" me a lot better then I had started to give them credit for. And not only did they understand me, they were giving me an incredible gift and blessing when I wanted to doubt and question them.

 

How's that for a God moment for ya?

 

Peace

 

*written October 16th

Passover Remembered Unpacked

Passover Remembered…..

by Alla Bozarth-Campbell

 

I find myself repeatedly going back to this poem that was read for us at orientation. Its a great poem, and very appropriate to what the YAGM year truly is. And the further into my experience I become, the more I'm starting to see just how appropriate it really is and understand and read it in a completely new way.

 

Pack nothing.

Bring only your determination to serve

and your willingness to be free.

 

When first hearing this stanza I think I took it in more of a literal context then I truly realized. Pack nothing: from the instant I left for Chicago I found myself regretting how much stuff I had brought. I usually am on the lighter end when it comes to packing, but for some reason there were things that I thought I couldn't live without for a year. I was greatly mistaken. By the time I did land in South Africa I took it upon myself to completely unpack and reevaluate everything I had decided to bring. Needless to say I cut down what I truly needed vs. what I had wanted by over half. But still I don't think this line simply applies to the material things we carry with us when we go. We must also come with not an empty mind, but an open heart. For if you came with an empty mind to simply be filled then you wouldn't truly be walking in accompaniment with your host communities. Your heart though must be open, and most of all vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be truly vulnerable is probably one of the most terrifying feelings in the world. More then any adrenaline junkies craziest nightmare. Yet it's in that vulnerable space that we find and learn who and what we truly are. Maybe that is what is the most terrifying about it?

Bring only your determination to serve and your willingness to be free: well isn't that why i've given a year of my life as a volunteer?? Wrong. I've found since being in country that this line has changed in meaning greatly for me. We know that YAGM isn't about "fixing" or "doing" when it comes to the year of service, but our American enculturation is so deeply engrained for most of us that we still have this crazy idea that we are going somewhere in the world to "do" something. Then you get there, and you finally realize that "being" really is why you are here and your host community hasn't planned for you to be "doing" anything. It's at this point that I found myself reaching for familiar comforts. Technology, electronics, and anything else that could establish some sense of security in my desire to be accomplishing something or at least "doing" something productive in my minds eye. As the story goes, this just made me even more miserable. I had thrown up a barrier. I had divided myself from my host community by reaching for these comforts. What in the hell had I gotten myself into? This practice went on for a couple days with the feelings of "what the hell" coming and going as I moved through out my day. Then finally it clicked for me. I realized the barriers I was placing between my community and myself by taking part in what I found to simply be comfortable norms. That day I put up a new barrier. A barrier between myself and my own comforts. I forced myself to starting living alongside my community and its members. It was then, in that space, that I found new meaning in the last line of this stanza. I had found a new willingness to be removed from the comforts of my technology and electronics and to be truly free in and among my people. It made all the difference. Almost instantly I found the dark areas turning into light and began to find a new comfort in vulnerability.

 

Don't wait for the bread to rise.

Take nourishment for the journey, be eat standing.

Be ready to move at a moment's notice.

 

In many ways I think I have spent the entirety of my life doing just the opposite of this. I have spent the last five years of my life merely going through the motions to get by, waiting for the bread to rise. I went to college and got my degree. Never mind the fact that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go to college in the first place, let alone what I really wanted to study. I got a job, and not only a job but one if the field I had studied in college. It was even shaping up to turn into a rather successful career path if I so chose to make it one. Needless to say I chose a different path. One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from the Martin Sheen film "The Way". It goes something a little bit like this, "You don't choose a life, you live one." Life is not about all the planning we have been conditioned to understand it as. You get your diploma, you go to college, you get your degree, you get a job, you start a career, you start a family, you retire, and you die. Is that really what life and living are? Instead, follow what your heart is telling you, do something you love with your one wild and precious life. For me, when all the planning and "choosing" were put aside and I started living through and listening to my heart is when life really begin to happen. With that you must be ready to move at a moments notice and be ok with it, because you can never truly know where it is your heart and your passion will take you in this world.

 

Do not hesitate to leave your old ways behind-

fear, silence, submission.

Only surrender to the need of the time-

love justice and walk humbly with your God.

 

My old ways were exactly that, fear, silence, and submission. Every person has hopes, dreams, and aspirations. The difference comes when people decide to chase them or not. "Only surrender to the need of the time", the need of this time for me was to surrender those very traits and its been the greatest thing I've ever done for myself. For the first time in my life I am chasing my hopes and my dreams. Ive laid fear of failure aside and allowed myself to made vulnerable. Ive stopped submitting to the doubts in my mind and started living out the what if's rather then regretting them.

 

Do not take time to explain to the neighbors.

Tell only a few trusted friends and family members.

Then begin quickly, before you have time

to sink back into old slavery.

 

When reading this stanza I can't help but feel like I have spent my entire life, "explaining to the neighbors". Until the decision to do YAGM I had always spent my entire life seeking everyones approval. As much as I tried to convey that I really didn't care. I placed expectations on myself that others for the most part hadn't, but I used them as a crutch and an excuse not to fully live my life. When it comes down to it it's only a few very close friends and my family that I need worry myself with. And even at that, I still have to live my life and go where i'm feeling called regardless of anyone else's thoughts or perceptions of what's best for me. Beginning quickly is the key. When you take too much time to think and ponder things you already know are right in your heart and mind, you convince yourself that what you want and your plan is whats best for you. Comfort and security now, can and likely will become its own prison later.

 

Set out in the dark.

I will send fire to warm and encourage you.

I will be with you in the fire, and i will be with you in the cloud.

 

I can't help but feel like the darkness that is spoke of in this stanza is your expectations. As humans we all have them. Alongside our prejudices and single stories of different and foreign places to us. When you set out truly in the dark to these things and ideas is when you start seeing things for what they really are. Rather then through the lens you've placed in front of your vision.

 

You will learn to eat new food

and find refuge in new places.

I will give you dreams in the desert

to guide you safely to the place you have not yet seen.

The stories you tell one another around the fires in the dark

will make you strong and wise.

 

As human beings we of coarse need physical nourishment to survive, but its not merely our bodies that must learn to eat new foods. Our souls too must me nourished and fed in order for us to survive. In new foreign places, it can be hard. You become so consumed with merely surviving you forget to take time to nurture the part of you that in the end makes you who you are. Old practices and routines mostly likely are no longer an option. Moving to South Africa I lost my greatest source of nourishment and refugee all in one fellow swoop. My Montana mountains and wilderness is was no longer there. Things like hikes, bike rides, and hikes instantly were snatched away from me. The freedom to aimlessly wander the streets at night amongst your own thoughts, gone. You gain a whole new appreciation for what you once had. But eventually, you find new food and new refuge in places that you maybe never expected to. Amongst some of the darkest, loneliest days you can usually find a dream. Something that pulls at your heart and shows you a glimpse of light. The further you follow that light the more you begin to see and understand things that you may have never thought of or felt. Yet you had to be here, in this place and this space, to see and feel it. Things you have spent your entire life trying to understand, all of a sudden become clear as day.

This entire journey is about stories. Its about your story, their story, and ultimately our story. It's in those stories that we find ourselves. And it's through those stories that we help others to see their own stories they may have never written otherwise. Life is a book of many chapters. With many characters, settings, and beautiful imagery. The plot is a never ending story line into eternity that has now climax and no fall. Just a continuation from one chapter into the next.

 

Outsiders will attack you, and some follow you

and at times you will get weary and turn on each other

from fear, fatigue and blind forgetfulness.

 

There were a lot of people before I left for my YAGM year that questioned why I was doing this. I had a career path well lined up for a very safe, secure and comfortable future. It wasn't that path for me though. I still every once and awhile meet people here who don't understand what it is I'm doing here or why I'm even here at all. The fact that someone wants to learn about the people here is a hard pill to swollen for some South Africans. I also can't begin to express the amount of support I have received. From home, from friends, from my new family here in country. They have all been an amazing stronghold since day one. A stronghold I will continue to need and lean to during my times of fear, fatigue, and blind forgetfulness that are sure to come.

 

You have been preparing for this

for hundreds of years.

 

This one for me was pretty simple. My entire life, everything I have done. The good, the bad, the things I'm proud of and those I'm not so proud of, have all been leading me to here. I would not be the person I am today or have made it to this point in my life with out the knowledge and wisdom I have gained from all those experiences. I have no regrets, just a lot of experiences.

 

I am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way

and to learn my ways more deeply.

 

I have spent my entire life trying desperately to follow MY way. This YAGM year was the first step in my truly living life to live it rather then plan it. And for the first time I'm living my life while listening. There are no more plans and really no more directions, just the here and the now. What comes next will present itself when it's time. For now I'm learning the ways of life, living, and being among creation on a deeper level.

 

Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings

that even your closest friends will have to learn your features

as though for the first time.

 

Within hours of landing in country I felt myself begin to change. For me personally, I don't know how I could go through this experience and not change. I have begin to see the world and its people in an entirely knew light already and its only been six weeks. The amount of growth and personal change I will continue to go through on this journey is very likely to change my identity. I will come home a different person then you all said goodbye to in August. There may be parts of the new me that some people don't understand. My closest family is going to have to meet me for the first time in many ways. At the same time I know my family and close friends will be right there beside me when I return. And my understanding of them and my own appreciation for the love they give to me, will be grown and embraced more then ever before.

 

Some of you will not change at all.

 

This statement is not the case for me. Yet it is a good reminder to myself that some of my fellow YAGM all around the world may not change. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Each one of us will have unique stories and experiences to share when we return home. It's impossible to compare or judge one experience with another.

 

Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves

and misunderstood by those who have know you since birth

who feel abandoned by you.

 

This fact has been something I have had to come to accept since arriving here in South Africa. As I stated before, I have already grown and changed on a very profound level. The amount of personal growth and change that will continue through out this year will redefine who I am. There are people back home who will be continue with there day to day routines the entire time I am here. The fact of the matter is that they may not like or understand the person I have become through this experience. I can only hope that I find ways to help them see and understand the changes in me just as I have come to identify and understand them for myself.

 

Some will find new friendships in unlikely faces,

and old true friends as faithful and true

as the pillar of God's flame.

 

I can't echo this statement enough. Sixty five young people from all across the United States came together for one weeks time this August. The friendships and bonds formed in that time are those of friends who have known each other for a lifetime. They have become the friends that you can go for months, even years, without seeing and when reunited it's as if you saw them yesterday. For this blessing I am grateful. Some of us have grown closer then others, and will continue our friendships more intentionally then others. But at the end of the day we are all YAGM 2013-2014 and are all brothers and sisters in christ forever.

 

Sing songs as you go,

and hold close together.

You may at times grow confused

and lose your way.

 

You have to sing songs together along this journey. I can't speak for other country groups, but when I read this I can't help but think of my own country group. In our short time together during our orientations the ten of us became very much a family. I would be a bold face liar if I told you that this experience hasn't had its challenges. But in every challenge we have faced, we have faced them together. Though we are spread out all across the country we have become an amazing support system for each other when we need it.

 

Continue to call each other by the names i've given you

to help remember who you are.

Touch each other,

and keep telling the stories.

 

I have to remind myself of this everyday. Whether the day brought amazing growth with my community or it felt like maybe a less then productive day, I have to remind myself and each other that we are children of God. And that I am so incredibly loved and blessed with a grace I will never fully understand. This experience, community, and life are stories. Stories that are meant to be shared with each other. Stories that help us to grow not only personally but together as a world community. It's through these stories that life happens. It's through these stories that we begin to understand each other in knew and previously misunderstood ways. It's through our true stories that a world community becomes a reality.

 

Makes maps as you go,

remembering the way back from before you were born.

So you will be only the first of many waves

of deliverance on the desert seas.

It is in the first of many beginnings-

your Paschaltide.

 

You can't appreciate where you are if you don't remember where you came from. When you makes maps for yourself you also make maps for others. Maps too are stories that others can hear and follow. It's a saying we all know well, " Be the change you want to see in the world." Draw a map for someone else to follow and the world just might start to look like a different place. You can be the first of many blessings.

 

Remain true to the mystery.

Pass on the whole story.

Do not go back.

I am with you now and I am waiting for you.

We never truly will understand the mystery that is this life. Yet we can find ways to see and witness that beauty that is amongst it everyday. When we pass of the whole story and not just a single story we change the narrative. We challenge the preconceived prejudices this world tells us otherwise. The best part about it is that once you have the whole story you don't have to return to the lies you once maybe believed. Rather then jumping to judgement, you learn to turn to wonder and embrace those things you don't fully understand.

 

 

 

Peace

 

*written October 13

Power & Privilege

During our orientation in Chicago we were asked to take a look at these questions. At the time I couldn't even begin to answer them. I think it really bothered me that couldn't answer them too. Now after being abroad for awhile, I've had enough time to really think them over. Not to mention the amount of personal growth I've already experienced. I wanted to share these reflections with you and give you a little better glimpse into what it means to be a volunteer, to be a an American volunteer, and most of all to be a representative of the ELCA as a Young Adult in Global Mission.

 

1. In what situations/contexts are you most aware of your own power and/or privilege?

⁃                 When first asked this question at orientation I really couldn't even begin to answer it. I actually took these questions down and just shelved them because I couldn't even process them at the time they were being asked. Since being in SA though my reaction to these have changed drastically. I feel most aware of my power/privilege in every single situation/context here. I have all these fun toys with me, my computer, iPod, Ext. Hard Drive, Movies, Music, etc. Very few others here have those things. In listening to peoples stories since arriving, I have had SO many opportunities and chances to do things in my life that most of the people here will never get to do, let alone dream of doing. College, work, having my own home, provide for a family, owning a vehicle, the list goes on. It will definitely be something I take with me from this year that I never would have anticipated being something I would gain more understand of in my year.

2. Whether consciously or unconsciously, how have you used your privilege, both as an individual and as a member of various groups?

⁃                 I really wasn't able to answer this question at orientation either. Looking back now since having some time here though I think I can answer it pretty well. For me it has mostly been unconsciously that I have used my power/privilege back home. I first identified it when Tessa blatantly told me about it. Im so very thankful that she did and didn't sugarcoat it either. Ive grown up in a western male culture. We strive constantly to out do, be better then, and appear dominant to all others. Ive been gifted with fairly decent intelligence, many different skill sets, and various other traits that have allowed me to advance and be rather successful in that cultural system. I have had to really step outside that system here in SA. Ive become pretty good at identifying when I could take the western male approach to a situation and fix something or show someone a "better" way to do something, and rather then acting I sit back and just observe now. Not only has it allowed me to watch and observed others, it's allowed me to learned a lot about myself. Its been something that I've been able to hold over people. And its something I did without even knowing it until now, when I have been pulled from the system and forced to look at things through a different lens. It hasn't been easy by any means. It too is something I will take back home with me that I never would have anticipated gaining from my YAGM experience.

3. How might your identity connect with others' perception of your power and privilege in the international context?

⁃                 This one was much harder and a much different response then I was expecting. Back home I'm a pretty grungy, outdoor, simple person. Or at least I thought I was. But even my grungy, simple, less extravagant style/identity back home still bears a lot of power/privilege over people in my host community. Things as simple as my Nalgene. As an outdoor/backcountry enthusiast I literally take my Nalgene everywhere, and I'm always trying to drink water. It's just kind of a cultural norm back home. But here, something as simple as having a water bottle displays power/privilege over people. It is not the cultural norm here. Very few people have water bottles. In fact, drinking water at all isn't really a big deal around here in my experiences. In a lot of contexts even if people did have a water bottle, it would be much harder to fill up then it is for me back home. It wasn't even something I had to think about back home, but its a very real difference and perception here. So when I first got here my Nalgene went with me everywhere, but now a couple weeks in it rarely leaves the house.

4. How might you be attentive to looking for ways that power and privilege are lived out in your host community?

⁃                 I think this one is a much less complicated response then I first was trying to look for back at orientation. Observation, the power of true observation can get you a long way. Being dropped into a new culture with new traditions and different do's & don'ts then you're use to forces you to become an expert in the field of observation. I feel like I've always been rather fair at the practice of observation, but I have been able take my skills in the field to a whole new level. I think this also ties into the western male "fix it/out do/make it better" cultural system. When you take a step back rather then stepping in, you truly can see much more of the situation that is going on around you. You get a more complete storyline of the people around you, rather then the single story line you may have gotten if you had just stepped in. The other way I've found that might sound ridiculous but has worked for me is ask. You can learn a lot by asking people who do know the cultural systems better then you. And I've found that most of the time people are more then willing, if not happy, to share with you.

5. How can you be a responsible steward of your power and privilege in your host community?

⁃                 This one has probably been the hardest honestly. Like I said before, I can feel/sense my power/privilege in almost every situation or context. I have had to work really really hard at forcing myself to identify the times my power or privilege is oppressing someone around me. My computer rarely leaves my room. The only time it does is when my host father also has his out in the living room and we are both doing some work. There also have been multiple chances for me to "fix" things since arriving. Whether it be my host fathers four wheeler, something around the house, a piece of playground equipment at the creche, or a system that is in place here that I view as something that could be fine tuned and better organized. With Tessa's help in identifying my western male tendencies, I've chose to step back from these situations and merely observe instead. It has allowed for stronger relationships between me and my host community I think. It has showed them and me that I'm not here to fix or change or tell them how to do things. That I am truly here to learn and walk with them in accompaniment.

 

Peace

 

*written October 7th

Landscape Artist

Coming from West/Central Montana it can be pretty hard to find scenery and the world around you appealing in other places in the world. Especially when it comes to the views and the sunsets. I mean it's called "Big Sky" country for a reason. But I have to admit, I think I've found a very very close second.

It never gets old watching the sunset( or rise for that matter) here in South Africa. For starters, the sky here is the closest thing to "Big Sky" country I've ever seen in my life. The way the landscape and the sky join each other is absolutely remarkable. A slight haze seams to always hang just above the tree tops and coats the mountains far off in the distance in a beautiful overlay of combined earth and sky. The depth and the complexity visible on the horizon here cause me to think I'm seeing things most of the time. But time after time, I realize that what I perceive to be an imagination of my eyes truly is a reality. The sunsets here, in all truth, just might surpass those of my midwest mountain paradise. Every single night the evening sky is light up like a blazing wildfire sent out of control by tormenting winds. The overwhelming glow of red, orange, purple and yellow dancing with each other and combining into the most beautiful colors creation has to offer has a softness to the eyes that you simply can't look away from. And just as the last bit of visible sun falls past the horizon the scene unfolding in front of your eyes has the feel of the most elaborate hollywood film ever shot. And just as quickly as the beauty unfolded in front of your eyes, its gone and lost the blanket of stars. At least until tomorrow, when once again the complex painting in the sky I've grown to love returns.

 

Peace

 

*written October 6th

Man In The Shadows

When you take a step back and truly look at the world around you, it just might amaze you. Scenery can of coarse always be changing and something new and beautiful may just catch your eye for the first time. Or maybe something that you have been pondering in your mind suddenly becomes clear as the midnight sky on a cool spring day? And most of all you allow yourself to receive the entire story of the world and people around you, rather then the single story you may already have placed in your mind. If you're really lucky you may just catch small glimpses of all of these things at once, and your understanding and appreciation for the people around you becomes more profound on an entirely new level.

Growing up in an individualistic culture I've been extraordinarily blessed with many gifts and many talents. In many ways I have spent the majority of my life struggling to find a challenge rather then struggling through one. I see something I wish to develop a skill at or overcome and well, I do it. Im the jerk kid back in school that messed around and procrastinated 95% of the time and managed to pull a solid A- average still. It has been easy for me to "one-up" or "outdo" my opponent at nearly everything. Whether it be a test of logic, skill, artistic ability, etc. I usually could find a way to appear better then those around me. Isn't that what we're taught?

It wasn't until 22 years into this life, and coming to South Africa, that I truly realized how instinctively and by habit I did these things. For the first time in my life I was uprooted from an individualistic way of thinking into a completely community based one. Every individualistic habit I had taught myself now meant nothing, and if nothing else, made me look bad. Since landing on African soil, I now truly understand the words "Power" and "Privilege". One example in particular comes to mind. As most of you know, I rather enjoy my time behind the lens of my camera. I like to think I'm decently good at the art of photography, and heck it's even made me a little bit of money. But when it came down to it, I could use that skill to either hurt or grow my community and my time here in South Africa. I chose to let it grow. I by no means have put the camera away completely, but I've been extremely discrete with it and allowed others the stage. One man in particular comes to mind. He is an older gentlemen in the community, and he absolutely loves taking pictures. He is seen kind of as the village photographer. Me and him have had some very fun talks about photography. Ultimately, it has brought me much more joy to watch him at work. He is always taking pictures of families and community members together. People react for him in ways that they would never react for me. He takes great, candid, and colorful pictures and has them printed for people. When he shows the prints to people for the first time you can literally watch there faces explode with happiness. And in almost every home you go into in the village you can see his work displayed.

So I will remain hidden in the shadows. After all the shadows allow for the best seats to watch and capture ;) the true joy people can bring to each others lives.

 

Peace

 

*written October 2nd