Tis The Season!

If I had any doubts about what was the most important thing in the life of your average South African before the month of December I don't anymore. It has been an absolute blessing to witness the joy it brings to people here simply to be together with family.

December is just exactly that here in South Africa. People travel from all corners of the country to return home and be with family. Everyone comes together for no other reason then to be together. To cook together, to eat together, to drink together, and laugh together.

Today in the super market I was reminded of the consumer society culture I come from in America as people crowded into every isle of the store. The difference though was that these people weren't crowding into a store to get the best Black Friday deal, or the latest great technology to put under the Christmas tree. Everyone was filling their trollies to the brim with food to share with family.

So this holiday season I challenge those reading back in the states, or anywhere else in the world, to truly remember the reason for the season. Enjoy the little things that surround you in this time, and hold onto your loved ones a little tighter then you usually do.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Peace

Childhood Innocence

This Wednesday was a big day in the life of 47 little ones in Lekubu. Keromang Lutheran Early Learning Centre was a buzz all day as the graduating class of 2013 prepared to receive their certificates. Happy, excited kids running all over the place, moms trying desperately to finish putting their child's cap and gown on.

The entire day was dedicated to the kids. For one day they were treated like royalty and spoiled a bit more then usual. Every one got a big plate of food to themselves at the after party and was allowed seconds to their hearts content. You could watch them glow and come alive.

As they all finished their meals they slowly started working their way out onto the playground. Kelebogile and myself watched as they all joined hands in a circle, danced and sang together. Eyes still fixed on the kids Kele said a phrase in Tswana that translate to,"It's beautiful isn't it?" I looked over at her and her at me and we just smiled at each other. The beautiful blissful innocence of a child is absolutely remarkable sometimes.

 

Peace

 

*written December 6th

The "Quiet" Times

The last ten days have been some rather memorable ones to say the least. For starters, Nelson Mandela has passed away. Never in a million years would I have expected to be in South Africa when the time came for Madiba to join our Creator in eternal life. It has been a blessing to get to celebrate such an amazing, profound, and revolutionary life alongside the people whom Madiba fought so hard for. Less than a week ago I sat in the living room of the Lekubu mission house with my host parents and watched as President Obama, and other world leaders, delivered a speech to the people of South Africa in celebration of Mandela’s life. And today many different places across the country stopped and took part in saying their final goodbyes as the father of a nation was finally laid in his final resting place.

All that aside, as I think back, there have also been some ordinary parts of my daily life that have been awesome/memorable as well. I’ve spent the last two days listening to choirs from all over South Africa sing at a choir competition at the University of the North West Mafikeng. My little sister, Kitlano turned five years old today. Most days I think she’s closer to 25 years old, but I love her regardless. My first pair of Chacos finally broke today. Not such a big deal to most I’m sure, but I know my Chaconian friends will understand. And then on the car ride home tonight myself and four of my friends piled into a car, cranked the music up, and sang, laughed and simply had a good time road tripping together back to Lekubu. 

Life doesn’t get much better then this.

 

Peace

5 Reasons Dreadlocks Are Like YAGM

Back in September, the 14th to be exact, I started the process of locking my hair into dreads. It was something I had always wanted to do, and it was a great way to dive into another part of the culture here in South Africa, so I figured meh, why not!?

As time has gone on and my dreads have begin to mature I've begin to realize just how much my dreads and my YAGM year have in common. How on Earth does my hair and this time living abroad have anything in common you might ask?

#1 - It Takes Patience

The reason I started my dreads in the first place was as a reminder of patience. Much like a YAGM's experience, the gratitude aspect of the process doesn't exactly happen overnight. Dreads take time to form, mature, and to finally grow into a full lock. My own YAGM experience is just now beginning to take form, to "mature", and in the words of my friend Heidi, leave the honeymoon phase of this year of service.

#2 - They Need Nurturing

Contrary to popular belief dreads actually take a little bit of work to get started (especially with straight hair texture). If you want good looking, clean dreads you can't just ignore them. Much like the beginning of a YAGM year (or quite possibly the whole thing) they need nurturing, nourishment, and sometimes some particularly meticulous care.

#3 - They Can Be Messy

There is no way around the fact that if you have dreads they are, to some extent, going to be a bit dirty at times. This is my favorite part of the YAGM experience so far though. If it was always sunshine, roses and happy times I wouldn't be experiencing the personal growth and profound changes I am. The happy times have significantly outweighed the challenging times, but like a great set of dreads the reward is well worth persevering through the bumping times. 

#4 - You Can't Do It Alone

If one was particularly motivated and had A LOT of time to dedicate to starting their own dreads I suppose they could pull it off by themselves. The reality of dreads and a YAGM year though is about the people around you. Having friends help you start and maintain your dreads is way more fun than doing it alone. Surrounding myself with various communities and asking them to help me during my time here has been one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. Not to mention Mosagwe, Abby and Elle help me maintain my dreads on a regular basis.

#5 - They Become Part of Who You Are

Most people who choose to start dreads have good reason to do so, whether it is religious, spiritual, etc. As you watch them mature and grow into true locks they become part of you and your identity. When I signed up to be a YAGM I thought I was merely signing up to volunteer a year of my life. Little did I know I was signing up for a lifelong commitment of continual change and growth of my own identity. Not that I’m by any means made about that.

 

Peace

 

*written December 2nd

There's Much to Celebrate

Thanksgiving for me this year took on an entirely new form. If you would have asked me a year ago what Thanksgiving meant to me, my likely response would probably have consisted of something like time with family, food, and football. Which are all great things, and yes I am thankful for them, but those things mean so much more then the empty containers I use to put them in.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I was thankful for the food on the table yesterday. As a YAGM family we prepared an entire Thanksgiving feast together. It wasn't grandma and mom slaving in the kitchen all day as I sat lazily in the livingroom watching football. It took all ten of our combined gifts and talents as a whole family to provide a meal for each other.

We found family in each other, and even maybe a new way to define what family really is. Not to say our families 8,000+ miles away weren't in our thoughts or prayers, but for most if not all of us, we found a deep comfort in each other i'm not sure we were expecting to find.

It was a great reminder for me of how much we really truly have to be thankful for everyday. I desperately hope I can remember to thank God each and everyday for the things, people, and beauty he has brought into my life. And I don't need a special day to remember where it all comes from in the first place. Happy Thanksgiving from South Africa!!

Peace

Velvet Elvis

I've been doing a lot of reading lately and this is one of the things that came up in one of my books. I don't wish to comment on it or really elaborate on my own thoughts. I just wanted to put this out there and let it work as it may in your own mind for yourself. So here is an excerpt from Velvet Elvis by written by Rob Bell.

 

"Missions then is less about the transportation of God from one place to another and more about the identification of a God who is already there. It is almost as if being a good missionary means having really good eyesight. Or maybe it means teaching people to use their eyes to see things that have always been there; they just didn't realize it. You see God where others don't. And then you point him out.

 

Perhaps we ought to replace the word missionary with tour guide, because we cannot show people something we haven't seen.

 

Have you ever heard missionaries say they were going to "take Jesus" to a certain place? What they meant, I assume, was that they has Jesus and they were going to take him to a place like China or India or Chicago where people apparently didn't have him.

 

I would ask them if people in China and India and Chicago are eating and laughing and enjoying things and generally being held together? Because if they are, then Jesus, in a way this is difficult to fully articulate is already present there.

 

So the issue isn't so much taking Jesus to people who don't have him, but going to place and pointing out to the people there the creative, life-giving God who is already present in their midst.

 

It is searching for the things they have already affirmed as real and beautiful and true and then telling them who you believe is the source of all that. "I am here to tell you where I think it comes from…."

 

And if you do see yourself carrying God to places, it can be exhausting.

 

God is really heavy.

 

Some people actually believe that God is absent from a place until they get there. The problem with this idea is that if God is not there before you get there, then there is no "there" in the first place."

 

 

Peace

 

 

*written November 11th

Hit By A Mac Truck

They tell us at the beginning of this YAGM experience that vulnerability is going to play a large role in the next year of our lives, and so far I would agree whole heartedly. Of coarse it's somewhat up to each individual as too just how vulnerable they want to allow themselves to truly be. I got to recently experience this vulnerability on an even deeper level then I already have since my arrival.

 

Earlier this week I got hit with a flu bug. I use the term "hit" in a rather literal sense, cause I seriously felt like i'd been hit by a Mac truck. My entire body ached, my head was throbbing, and my stomach was uneasy to say the least. I have spent so little time sick in the last three years (other then broken bones) I think I was in denial about it at first. It didn't take long for my doubt to disappear though as my slight rumbly tummy turned into death warmed over within about an hour. When a person becomes ill, they pretty much have to trust the people around them to help with their care. Putting ones self into a much more vulnerable state, even more then usual as a YAGM, whether you like it or not. And lets be completely honest, when most of us become sick we really just want our mommy cause well, she just does it best. The fact of the matter though is that mom is a long way away right now. Luckily for me, I have about five mothers on any given day of the week.

 

The following morning I tried to tough it out and went to the creche as I usually do, but it didn't take long for Mosa, Kelebogile and Dinah (three of said mothers) to realize I wasn't feeling up to par. The harder I tried to prove I would be ok the more they insisted I take it easy and just go lay down. It wasn't long before they had won the argument, but what mother ever looses an argument right? I spent the next 20 hours face down in my pillow nearly dead to the world. My dad would come in every couple of hours and check to make sure I was still breathing, ask if I needed anything, and then let me go back into my flu induced coma. He even made me some soft porridge that night, as it was the only thing that sounded even remotely appetizing. I woke up the next morning feeling like a completely new person. I was greeted with questions of concern as I entered the creche, only to assure them I was feeling much better. Dinah proceeded to load my plate especially full at breakfast and lunch that day, saying I needed to make up for all the food i'd missed out on in the last 24 hours haha. I think she just loves any excuse to feed me ;) I guess being vulnerable to the help of others isn't all that terrible after all.

 

Peace

 

*written November 7th

God's Work, Our Hands

I've been gifted with many beautiful moments in my time here, but today's may just top the list so far. There were multiple baptisms at church this morning, three to be exact, so there were multiple baptismal parties afterwards this afternoon. All of them were lovely and I ate until I could hardly move at each, but it was at our last stop for the day that my heart grew a little bit.

 

My little sister was sitting on my lap after we had finished eating and we were basically just there among everyone else somewhat engaging in casual conversation. As we sat there she begin to play with my hands though. At first I didn't pay much attention, but the more she played with them the more she begin asking specifically for me to see what she was doing. I begin to watch closely as she first placed her own hand palm down next to mine. She then insisted that I repeat the motion, so I did. I didn't quite understand what this new game was but I went along with it. Once I too had placed my palm facing down next to hers she gave me my next task. She flipped her own hand over facing palm up this time and again asked me to do the same, so I did. We repeated this pattern a couple times until she stopped me and made the motions of the game much more deliberate. We started at the beginning with both our hands next to each other palms down. But this time she made a point of pushing our hands together so they were touching and pointed at her hand and then at mine. Then we went onto the next step like we had before, both our hands palms up this time. She made sure our hands were touching again and pointed at her palm and then at mine. She looked up at me and smiled. She made me repeat the steps once more with the same touching and pointing to make sure I understood her point and again looked up at me and smiled.

 

A five year old showed me a new definition of what it means to be a child of God today. Through her playing with my hands she had come to discover that the pigmentation of our palms was the same. Race is a reality I have had to face at times since I arrived here, but today my little sister gave me one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received. One that I will hold close and dear to my heart for the rest of my life.

 

Peace

 

*written November 3rd

Waving The "White" Flag

I got to go to a coffee shop yesterday in a town that is about 17km away from my village. Now, when I first heard that I was going to coffee shop I got pretty excited I'm not going to lie. I love coffee, and haven't had anything in regards to coffee except Nescafe instant since arriving. So the thought of a cup of "real" joe was pretty exciting.

The moment I crossed into the threshold of the shop I immediately felt different. It was a very nice, quiet, little shop with your stereotypical coffee shop artistic touches. I have spent many hours in shops very similar to it back in the states, but something felt very different here. As soon as I made my way into the back patio area I begin to understand why it felt so different. As I took my seat at the table I realized I was completely surrounded by white people. It was the first time since arriving that I found myself surrounded by a completely white population.

As I made my way to my table and finally sat down, I could feel eyes piercing me like tiny little arrows. Now I realize some of the things I was feeling were probably somewhat things I was projecting upon myself. But non the less I felt incredibly out of place, and the company of white South African's looks I was receiving told me I was out of place.

For the first time in my life I identified with and placed my identify with a racial group that wasn't white, and from the looks of it, they didn't want to identify with me either. The privilege they outwardly displayed and almost waved around like a flag of victory for all to see was truly disheartening and somewhat sickening to honest. It was at this moment that I begin to realize just how much the people of Lekubu have become my family and my home. They are people I care desperately about, people I trust, and people I love.

 

Peace

 

*written October 26th

Bob Marley?

I've alway hear that music is the universal language, and not that i've ever doubted that statement, but today I got to witness it first hand. It was just another day at Keromang Lutheran ELC and the kids had just finished eating their lunch. Kelebogile, Mosagwe and myself were in the kitchen cleaning up the usually after lunch types of things and working on the dishes, and for some reason I was quietly singing No Woman No Cry to myself. Kelebogile stopped dead in her tracks and turned her gaze to me. "Bob Marley?", she said to me with a half perplexed half excited look on her face. I replied with a simple "Ee ma (yes mam in Tswana)", and a big smile. "Oh you know Bob Marley? He is from way back Keeni!!", she exclaimed. So to further prove to her that though young I truly know my Marley music I started into Buffalo Soldier. As soon as I finished the first line, Kele piped in with the second, I with the third, and before long all three of us were bouncing back and forth to the beat and singing Bob Marley songs together as we did the dishes.

It's the little moments in life that become the truly extraordinary memories you will cherish for a life time.

 

Peace

 

*written October 24th

We Danced As If Nobody Was Watching

It's nights like tonight that a person begins to understand just how profound of a relationship it is that we live in on a daily basis, whether we are aware of it or not. It's an overwhelmingly simple, yet complex array of emotions that most of us only occasionally can find the depth to truly grasp and hold onto if even only for a split second.

I was sitting in the living room this evening reading the Daily Sun, a South African newspaper regularly available in our home, and became ever more distraught the more articles I read. The amount of hatred, anger, and ugliness in some of the people in this world was more then I could handle. My reading even lead me to scribble an angry new entry into my journal. But as I smashed my pen into the poor pages of my journal I stopped myself, and as good mentors have taught me, allowed myself to turn to wonder rather then anger. It was then that I understood it was utter sadness that was overflowing from inside me, not anger. I let myself linger in the feeling for awhile, hoping to maybe better understand where it was truly coming from. The events that came to follow are those only read in books, or seen in movies.

As I closed my journal and re-secured the leash to it's cover, my feet started to carry me somewhere. I wasn't entirely sure where or why, but regardless I was on the move. I reached across my bed and grabbed my hoody that had been laying there, placing it over my head as I exited the house out the backdoor. I placed my hands into it's front pocket to find my iPod. For no apparent reason at all I pushed the earbuds into my ears and scrolled through the artists to a familiar friend I had gone to so many times before and quietly wandered around behind the house. I wasn't more then 20 meters from the house when I begin to realize why I had come outside and I sat down. I lay flat on the ground with my eyes lost and entranced to the evening sky. I watched in complete ah as the last remaining thoughts of daylight slowly gave way to the growing darkness of the night sky and the stars begin to glisten in victory for possession of the stage. As I listened and watched it began to feel as if gravity itself had been suspended for the time being and the milky way itself begin to dance and roll like gentle waves crashing against a white sandy beach. I felt a cool river flowing across my cheek as myself and creation became lost in each other and became one again. The beauty, simplicity, and total nothingness, yet completeness of the situation wrapping me in it's blanket of peace.

For the next hour or two, I'm not even sure to be honest, myself and Bon Iver laid out under the stars together and basked in the beautiful glory that we had been so graciously gifted with and the sadness that had once cloaked my soul was nowhere to be found.

 

Peace

 

*written October 22nd

Artist's Masterpiece

I found myself lost in the mystery of a sound once remembered from a long time ago. It penetrated my deepest level of consciousness with it's decibels increasing by the second, yet it brought about a calming presence that I couldn't help but fall into. As the sound continued to grow and penetrate fourth into the depths of my mind I begin to watch an array of colors leap and bound before my face like an artist presented with a fresh canvas. Shades of orange ran together creating the deepest red I had ever seen, the hints of green that surrounded it exploded like a rainforest of growth, and the areas that appeared absent of any color at all would occasionally flash into a violent dance of all shades of purple, white, blue, and yellow. I stood a victim to the pure beauty I was watching unfold directly in front of me. I had never seen anything like it. I was witnessing the artist at work, completely ah stricken. After what seamed like decades of being completely consumed by the sound and unable to pull myself from its grasp, I heard it begin to slowly fade. Until it was no longer a sound at all. I took a step back and examined the landscape the artist had so graciously allowed me to watch him create. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief as the colors continued to dance and grow from the canvas. Truly a masterpiece. Divine creation in the making.

It was then that I came back to my senses and realized I had never truly left reality at all. I stood victim again as I watched the thunderstorm still unfolding off in the distance now…..

 

Peace

 

* written October 20th

Living For The Land

" We are only able to move at the speed and in the direction the land itself allows. One must relate to it with honor and reverence and let the land speak its own heart. Then, out of respect we must choose to submit to its idea of 'real' and still remain ones who love it toward the true, without faltering, regardless of the cost. To not live for the land in this way is to join its aggressors, ravagers, users, and benefactors, and then all hope for its healing would be lost." - by Wm. Paul Young from Cross Roads

 

Peace

 

* written October 18th

Hidden Blessings

If I told you that being a YAGM is smooth sailing and never comes with any challenges not only would I be lying, but i'd be doing you all a major disservice as my audience. One of the challenges that I think has been most prevalent for me is finding the time to feed my introverted side. Though I can be a people person and be rather good at it when it calls for it in social situations, by nature I would consider myself an introvert. The individualistic culture of America plays to this trait in people quite well. It is rather simple for one to remove themselves, find quiet solitude, or whatever else alone time they so desire. The culture in South Africa however does not. Everything here is community based, and I literally mean everything. From the time you wake up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night you can have no worry of being under stimulated with human interaction. My situation is especially active in this department since I'm living with Moruti Mogale (Pastor). Our house is host to continuos in's and out's of congregation members at nearly every point of the day. For this, I am mostly incredibly grateful. It has allowed me to meet a lot of people and learn a lot I wouldn't have otherwise. Sometimes though, it can be a little exhausting.

The other day I was feeling especially tired for no real apparent reason and just kind of felt completely exhausted. There were people running around all over the house and all around outside and it was an extremely busy day even for our house. I found myself starting to get upset about all of the commotion and slightly resentful. I couldn't help but feel like the people around me just couldn't understand that someone might have a need for some peace and quiet every once and awhile and I honestly wished they would just go away. Then the world of self pity I was in the process of creating came crashing down around me. I was sitting on the front porch talking to my dad like we had many times before. Except this time he literally made me feel so incredibly overwhelmed with blessed feelings that I could hardly express myself. He started by telling me that he wished for me to stay with the family permanently for the remainder of my year here. Up unto this point it was never for sure or decided that I would be staying with them for the entire year. As if that wasn't enough, he followed that with informing me that all the work people had been and were doing on the old traditional African style house next to ours was so that I could move in there. He said that he really wanted me to stay with them and if I was going to do that I needed to have my own space.

In one fellow swoop he managed to not only make me feel incredibly blessed, but slightly guilty as well. Apparently people here "understand" me a lot better then I had started to give them credit for. And not only did they understand me, they were giving me an incredible gift and blessing when I wanted to doubt and question them.

 

How's that for a God moment for ya?

 

Peace

 

*written October 16th

Passover Remembered Unpacked

Passover Remembered…..

by Alla Bozarth-Campbell

 

I find myself repeatedly going back to this poem that was read for us at orientation. Its a great poem, and very appropriate to what the YAGM year truly is. And the further into my experience I become, the more I'm starting to see just how appropriate it really is and understand and read it in a completely new way.

 

Pack nothing.

Bring only your determination to serve

and your willingness to be free.

 

When first hearing this stanza I think I took it in more of a literal context then I truly realized. Pack nothing: from the instant I left for Chicago I found myself regretting how much stuff I had brought. I usually am on the lighter end when it comes to packing, but for some reason there were things that I thought I couldn't live without for a year. I was greatly mistaken. By the time I did land in South Africa I took it upon myself to completely unpack and reevaluate everything I had decided to bring. Needless to say I cut down what I truly needed vs. what I had wanted by over half. But still I don't think this line simply applies to the material things we carry with us when we go. We must also come with not an empty mind, but an open heart. For if you came with an empty mind to simply be filled then you wouldn't truly be walking in accompaniment with your host communities. Your heart though must be open, and most of all vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be truly vulnerable is probably one of the most terrifying feelings in the world. More then any adrenaline junkies craziest nightmare. Yet it's in that vulnerable space that we find and learn who and what we truly are. Maybe that is what is the most terrifying about it?

Bring only your determination to serve and your willingness to be free: well isn't that why i've given a year of my life as a volunteer?? Wrong. I've found since being in country that this line has changed in meaning greatly for me. We know that YAGM isn't about "fixing" or "doing" when it comes to the year of service, but our American enculturation is so deeply engrained for most of us that we still have this crazy idea that we are going somewhere in the world to "do" something. Then you get there, and you finally realize that "being" really is why you are here and your host community hasn't planned for you to be "doing" anything. It's at this point that I found myself reaching for familiar comforts. Technology, electronics, and anything else that could establish some sense of security in my desire to be accomplishing something or at least "doing" something productive in my minds eye. As the story goes, this just made me even more miserable. I had thrown up a barrier. I had divided myself from my host community by reaching for these comforts. What in the hell had I gotten myself into? This practice went on for a couple days with the feelings of "what the hell" coming and going as I moved through out my day. Then finally it clicked for me. I realized the barriers I was placing between my community and myself by taking part in what I found to simply be comfortable norms. That day I put up a new barrier. A barrier between myself and my own comforts. I forced myself to starting living alongside my community and its members. It was then, in that space, that I found new meaning in the last line of this stanza. I had found a new willingness to be removed from the comforts of my technology and electronics and to be truly free in and among my people. It made all the difference. Almost instantly I found the dark areas turning into light and began to find a new comfort in vulnerability.

 

Don't wait for the bread to rise.

Take nourishment for the journey, be eat standing.

Be ready to move at a moment's notice.

 

In many ways I think I have spent the entirety of my life doing just the opposite of this. I have spent the last five years of my life merely going through the motions to get by, waiting for the bread to rise. I went to college and got my degree. Never mind the fact that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go to college in the first place, let alone what I really wanted to study. I got a job, and not only a job but one if the field I had studied in college. It was even shaping up to turn into a rather successful career path if I so chose to make it one. Needless to say I chose a different path. One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from the Martin Sheen film "The Way". It goes something a little bit like this, "You don't choose a life, you live one." Life is not about all the planning we have been conditioned to understand it as. You get your diploma, you go to college, you get your degree, you get a job, you start a career, you start a family, you retire, and you die. Is that really what life and living are? Instead, follow what your heart is telling you, do something you love with your one wild and precious life. For me, when all the planning and "choosing" were put aside and I started living through and listening to my heart is when life really begin to happen. With that you must be ready to move at a moments notice and be ok with it, because you can never truly know where it is your heart and your passion will take you in this world.

 

Do not hesitate to leave your old ways behind-

fear, silence, submission.

Only surrender to the need of the time-

love justice and walk humbly with your God.

 

My old ways were exactly that, fear, silence, and submission. Every person has hopes, dreams, and aspirations. The difference comes when people decide to chase them or not. "Only surrender to the need of the time", the need of this time for me was to surrender those very traits and its been the greatest thing I've ever done for myself. For the first time in my life I am chasing my hopes and my dreams. Ive laid fear of failure aside and allowed myself to made vulnerable. Ive stopped submitting to the doubts in my mind and started living out the what if's rather then regretting them.

 

Do not take time to explain to the neighbors.

Tell only a few trusted friends and family members.

Then begin quickly, before you have time

to sink back into old slavery.

 

When reading this stanza I can't help but feel like I have spent my entire life, "explaining to the neighbors". Until the decision to do YAGM I had always spent my entire life seeking everyones approval. As much as I tried to convey that I really didn't care. I placed expectations on myself that others for the most part hadn't, but I used them as a crutch and an excuse not to fully live my life. When it comes down to it it's only a few very close friends and my family that I need worry myself with. And even at that, I still have to live my life and go where i'm feeling called regardless of anyone else's thoughts or perceptions of what's best for me. Beginning quickly is the key. When you take too much time to think and ponder things you already know are right in your heart and mind, you convince yourself that what you want and your plan is whats best for you. Comfort and security now, can and likely will become its own prison later.

 

Set out in the dark.

I will send fire to warm and encourage you.

I will be with you in the fire, and i will be with you in the cloud.

 

I can't help but feel like the darkness that is spoke of in this stanza is your expectations. As humans we all have them. Alongside our prejudices and single stories of different and foreign places to us. When you set out truly in the dark to these things and ideas is when you start seeing things for what they really are. Rather then through the lens you've placed in front of your vision.

 

You will learn to eat new food

and find refuge in new places.

I will give you dreams in the desert

to guide you safely to the place you have not yet seen.

The stories you tell one another around the fires in the dark

will make you strong and wise.

 

As human beings we of coarse need physical nourishment to survive, but its not merely our bodies that must learn to eat new foods. Our souls too must me nourished and fed in order for us to survive. In new foreign places, it can be hard. You become so consumed with merely surviving you forget to take time to nurture the part of you that in the end makes you who you are. Old practices and routines mostly likely are no longer an option. Moving to South Africa I lost my greatest source of nourishment and refugee all in one fellow swoop. My Montana mountains and wilderness is was no longer there. Things like hikes, bike rides, and hikes instantly were snatched away from me. The freedom to aimlessly wander the streets at night amongst your own thoughts, gone. You gain a whole new appreciation for what you once had. But eventually, you find new food and new refuge in places that you maybe never expected to. Amongst some of the darkest, loneliest days you can usually find a dream. Something that pulls at your heart and shows you a glimpse of light. The further you follow that light the more you begin to see and understand things that you may have never thought of or felt. Yet you had to be here, in this place and this space, to see and feel it. Things you have spent your entire life trying to understand, all of a sudden become clear as day.

This entire journey is about stories. Its about your story, their story, and ultimately our story. It's in those stories that we find ourselves. And it's through those stories that we help others to see their own stories they may have never written otherwise. Life is a book of many chapters. With many characters, settings, and beautiful imagery. The plot is a never ending story line into eternity that has now climax and no fall. Just a continuation from one chapter into the next.

 

Outsiders will attack you, and some follow you

and at times you will get weary and turn on each other

from fear, fatigue and blind forgetfulness.

 

There were a lot of people before I left for my YAGM year that questioned why I was doing this. I had a career path well lined up for a very safe, secure and comfortable future. It wasn't that path for me though. I still every once and awhile meet people here who don't understand what it is I'm doing here or why I'm even here at all. The fact that someone wants to learn about the people here is a hard pill to swollen for some South Africans. I also can't begin to express the amount of support I have received. From home, from friends, from my new family here in country. They have all been an amazing stronghold since day one. A stronghold I will continue to need and lean to during my times of fear, fatigue, and blind forgetfulness that are sure to come.

 

You have been preparing for this

for hundreds of years.

 

This one for me was pretty simple. My entire life, everything I have done. The good, the bad, the things I'm proud of and those I'm not so proud of, have all been leading me to here. I would not be the person I am today or have made it to this point in my life with out the knowledge and wisdom I have gained from all those experiences. I have no regrets, just a lot of experiences.

 

I am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way

and to learn my ways more deeply.

 

I have spent my entire life trying desperately to follow MY way. This YAGM year was the first step in my truly living life to live it rather then plan it. And for the first time I'm living my life while listening. There are no more plans and really no more directions, just the here and the now. What comes next will present itself when it's time. For now I'm learning the ways of life, living, and being among creation on a deeper level.

 

Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings

that even your closest friends will have to learn your features

as though for the first time.

 

Within hours of landing in country I felt myself begin to change. For me personally, I don't know how I could go through this experience and not change. I have begin to see the world and its people in an entirely knew light already and its only been six weeks. The amount of growth and personal change I will continue to go through on this journey is very likely to change my identity. I will come home a different person then you all said goodbye to in August. There may be parts of the new me that some people don't understand. My closest family is going to have to meet me for the first time in many ways. At the same time I know my family and close friends will be right there beside me when I return. And my understanding of them and my own appreciation for the love they give to me, will be grown and embraced more then ever before.

 

Some of you will not change at all.

 

This statement is not the case for me. Yet it is a good reminder to myself that some of my fellow YAGM all around the world may not change. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Each one of us will have unique stories and experiences to share when we return home. It's impossible to compare or judge one experience with another.

 

Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves

and misunderstood by those who have know you since birth

who feel abandoned by you.

 

This fact has been something I have had to come to accept since arriving here in South Africa. As I stated before, I have already grown and changed on a very profound level. The amount of personal growth and change that will continue through out this year will redefine who I am. There are people back home who will be continue with there day to day routines the entire time I am here. The fact of the matter is that they may not like or understand the person I have become through this experience. I can only hope that I find ways to help them see and understand the changes in me just as I have come to identify and understand them for myself.

 

Some will find new friendships in unlikely faces,

and old true friends as faithful and true

as the pillar of God's flame.

 

I can't echo this statement enough. Sixty five young people from all across the United States came together for one weeks time this August. The friendships and bonds formed in that time are those of friends who have known each other for a lifetime. They have become the friends that you can go for months, even years, without seeing and when reunited it's as if you saw them yesterday. For this blessing I am grateful. Some of us have grown closer then others, and will continue our friendships more intentionally then others. But at the end of the day we are all YAGM 2013-2014 and are all brothers and sisters in christ forever.

 

Sing songs as you go,

and hold close together.

You may at times grow confused

and lose your way.

 

You have to sing songs together along this journey. I can't speak for other country groups, but when I read this I can't help but think of my own country group. In our short time together during our orientations the ten of us became very much a family. I would be a bold face liar if I told you that this experience hasn't had its challenges. But in every challenge we have faced, we have faced them together. Though we are spread out all across the country we have become an amazing support system for each other when we need it.

 

Continue to call each other by the names i've given you

to help remember who you are.

Touch each other,

and keep telling the stories.

 

I have to remind myself of this everyday. Whether the day brought amazing growth with my community or it felt like maybe a less then productive day, I have to remind myself and each other that we are children of God. And that I am so incredibly loved and blessed with a grace I will never fully understand. This experience, community, and life are stories. Stories that are meant to be shared with each other. Stories that help us to grow not only personally but together as a world community. It's through these stories that life happens. It's through these stories that we begin to understand each other in knew and previously misunderstood ways. It's through our true stories that a world community becomes a reality.

 

Makes maps as you go,

remembering the way back from before you were born.

So you will be only the first of many waves

of deliverance on the desert seas.

It is in the first of many beginnings-

your Paschaltide.

 

You can't appreciate where you are if you don't remember where you came from. When you makes maps for yourself you also make maps for others. Maps too are stories that others can hear and follow. It's a saying we all know well, " Be the change you want to see in the world." Draw a map for someone else to follow and the world just might start to look like a different place. You can be the first of many blessings.

 

Remain true to the mystery.

Pass on the whole story.

Do not go back.

I am with you now and I am waiting for you.

We never truly will understand the mystery that is this life. Yet we can find ways to see and witness that beauty that is amongst it everyday. When we pass of the whole story and not just a single story we change the narrative. We challenge the preconceived prejudices this world tells us otherwise. The best part about it is that once you have the whole story you don't have to return to the lies you once maybe believed. Rather then jumping to judgement, you learn to turn to wonder and embrace those things you don't fully understand.

 

 

 

Peace

 

*written October 13